I am grieving the loss of my marriage. What I’m truly mourning is what I thought the marriage was. I’m grieving the illusion—the version of love I believed in, not the reality that was unfolding all along. It’s a unique kind of pain to let go of something that never truly existed.
My grief doesn’t stem from heartbreak. It’s mostly anger mixed with confusion. I’m angry at the level of manipulation, the deceit, and the way I was kept bound to a commitment that didn’t even exist. It’s a kind of soul theft—to keep someone loyal to a lie. It’s mental and emotional abuse to withhold the truth just to benefit from someone’s love, stability, and time. The gaslighting, manipulation, and lies left me confused—because I truly thought things were great. He was kind to me in person, but behind my back, he was a completely different person who didn’t always have my best interests at heart.
Our separation was peaceful. It was almost mutual. It was me choosing myself instead of waiting for someone who wanted to keep me as a side option while he explored his identity. Because of my age and standards, my options are limited. I can’t afford to wait for someone else to find themselves. I had to let him be who he truly desired to be, without the restrictions our marriage presented. I just think a lot of people need to be honest with themselves and their spouses about who they really are and what they truly want—so they can avoid heartbreak, confusion, and wasted time.
The things I experienced were deeply unfair. Still, I also believe that everything we experience is part of God’s plan. Through healing, I’ve come to understand that this was all necessary for my personal and spiritual growth. So even in the midst of my grief, there’s gratitude—because in the pain, I found renewed power and a stronger sense of purpose. My connection to God and my faith in the Most High were restored.
As hurtful as the outcome was, I can say that it made me a better woman. I now know who I am and what I’m no longer willing to tolerate. In my healing, I stopped pointing fingers at him and started looking deeper within to understand why and how I ended up where I am. I had to take a good look at myself and take accountability for all the red flags I overlooked and the moments in our marriage when I knew I deserved better but chose to settle for less. He wasn’t a loss—he was a lesson. Some lessons are painful, but they shape your character in ways unimaginable.
Through the grieving process, I’ve opened dialogue within myself and asked meaningful questions about life and who I will now show up as in this new season. I’m learning how to attract light—and align with people who lead with it, rather than trauma bond and try to grow with the unhealed shadow side of others that ultimately brings about painful endings.
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