Revisiting family dynamics, especially with a parent, can reveal patterns of psychological abuse that were disguised as care. Realizing that a mother’s behavior was manipulative does more than shift perspective. It can reshape how you see your childhood, your identity, and your self-worth.
For me, it was not the loud kind of abuse. It was quiet and calculated. Subtle digs passed off as jokes. My feelings brushed aside as being too sensitive. The invalidation when I confided in her about my trauma.
Since childhood, it often felt like my mother gained pleasure from my pain, even keeping relationships with people who betrayed me. When I went through heartbreak, I was never given the grace to grieve. I was told to stop crying or to get over it. She minimized, denied, and dismissed.
There were times she showered me with love and kindness, but even that came with strings. What seemed like care was really a tool to pull me back whenever I began to see through her mask. What looked like affection was another layer of control.
Because of my PTSD from my last relationship, I recognize these patterns more clearly now. I am easily triggered by my mother because so much of my ex’s behavior shows up in her actions. Gaslighting, guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, subtle criticism, and the dismissal of your reality leave lasting scars. Recognizing these patterns can bring anger, grief, and betrayal, but with clarity comes healing.
Healing begins with acknowledgment and self-compassion. Give yourself permission to grieve the love you did not receive. Redefine what love and family mean for you. Set any necessary boundaries because boundaries are not selfish, they are essential. They protect your peace, your spirit, and your identity. Learn to become a safe place for yourself and your children.
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