What bothers me the most are bitter, ungrateful women whose children’s father may not have a substantial amount of money, but is able to make up for it with time and love which are invaluable. To call a man who selflessly invests his all into his children a deadbeat is unfair and malicious. There are children whose fathers signed over rights or custody because they don’t want to be bothered with the responsibility. There are children who don’t even know who their father is because the man rejected them at birth. There are men out there who never showed up for a birthday or even the birth of their child. I recently heard of a man who killed his son because he thought the child would hurt his relationship with his new girlfriend. There are children whose fathers aren’t alive and would love the opportunity to spend any amount of time with them just having a conversation about life. As a mother, you should think twice about the man you are calling a deadbeat dad.
My personal story is real. My daughter’s biological father has been absent from her life for almost 11 years. My daughter is now a teen and her father is back in her life. I would never call her father a deadbeat – I wouldn’t grant him the title of the greatest dad in the world either, but I will give him credit for his efforts. He may not do things to my liking or to my standards, but what’s important to me is that he does what he can for our daughter. I’m not concerned with what he does with his new girlfriend or jump offs, his escapades or anything that does not affect our child negatively. I’ve placed myself in a position where regardless if he is present our absent, my daughter is going to be O.K. There is no need for me to express any form of discontent towards the father of my child. I’m not concerned about him at all. Too many women get upset with what the man did to them in the past and use the children as pawns to hurt the man. Just because a man was a bad husband or bad ex-boyfriend doesn’t always make him a bad father.
God blessed a child who can confide in their father or who can say their father took them to school, made them breakfast, took them to the zoo or the local park or even the local pool. God blessed a child who can say their father tells them he loves them, plays video games with them or spends any form of quality time bonding. I heard a woman complain about only getting $60.00 a week in child support and then there is a woman like me who doesn’t get a dime in child support. Of course if it is within a man’s means to do more, then he should do all he can, but don’t condemn a man for doing all he can by saying that he doesn’t do anything at all.
In my eyes, my daughter’s father could never do enough for our child. But as he is doing all he can, I appreciate it. I make sure my daughter appreciates and respects her father because 1. The bible says to honor thy mother and thy father and 2. My daughter is raised to respect her elders. There are a lot of religious folks out there talking about Jesus and God and got their children acting like devils, not honoring their father because he couldn’t afford to buy the child a pair of shoes. We see a child like the affluenza teen who killed four people and the justice system unjustifiably blamed it on his privileged background. With that being said, even children who have every material thing, has absolutely nothing without the proper love and guidance of their parents.
If my daughter’s father disappoints her, I would never allow her to disrespect him. There is no honor or respect in her disrespecting her father. It’s important to me to teach my daughter not to depend on any man on earth including her father. I want her to learn how to be independent in life. I want her to know that even people who love her will disappoint her including me. No one is perfect and although it hurts a lot to be disappointed by someone you should be able to depend on, it doesn’t always warrant verbal tirades about feelings of resentment especially if a child is regurgitating the bitter feelings of their custodial parent. Sometimes you need to grasp the moment as a lesson on how to become self-reliant and fend for yourself. Our kids didn’t ask to be here, but they also didn’t ask for a lot of things that even we as mothers have allowed. Even as an adult, we can’t always choose a situation or an outcome, we must learn how to roll with the punches and deal with life’s ups and downs. It is our duty to teach our children how to respond positively to life’s negativity instead of teaching them how to respond with anger, jealousy, and insecurity. It is our duty to prepare our children for the realities of life.
As it pertains to my daughter’s father, I understand he may not have a lot of money right now due to his unfortunate circumstances and poor choices in life. He may not be able to see her or call her as often as I think he should and as annoyed as I can be, seeing a smile on my daughters face when she gets to spend time with her father or talk to him on the phone means so much to me. At the end of the day my daughter’s happiness, peace, and stability means more to me than anything her father can buy her. Some children just want to feel loved and acknowledged. It’s not so much letting the man off easy, but a wise woman brings peace to her children’s mind-state and would not incite or perpetuate more unhealthy thoughts and feelings in an already hurtful situation. A mature woman eventually reaches a point in life where she learns that you cannot force people to do more or do better. You have to do more and do better for yourself and your children.
I made the choice to have a child with a man I knew would never measure up to my standards, and now I have grown to accept the consequences of my choices. When my daughter’s father chose the streets over his family years ago, that moment in my life hurt deeply, but it also made me a stronger woman. Despite our tumultuous history, I value his presence in my daughter’s life and will give him credit for his efforts.